Ruminations

Where Have I Been These Past 8 Months?

Last year, I made a promise to myself to continue writing—tangential to work stuff and instead create content solely for my entertainment, focusing on topics that I actually give two shits about. It felt so important to me, but in retrospect, I guess that wasn’t enough. Sure, creating, writing, and producing my own projects have been a goal of mine since I graduated college in 2011, but after examining my life these past six years, I’ve never really followed through with it. I felt stuck in a hamster wheel this entire time—always chasing wild ideas and never actually putting in the time to put words together to tell the stories I wanted to share with the world.

God, that’s depressing.

Writing has always been my go-to outlet and I’d like to think I’m half-decent at it. But someone recently shared a piece of insight that basically led me to re-explore my own priorities and goals: “I want to do it, but I guess I would’ve done it by now. It’s one thing to want something, and it’s another to actually take strides to make it happen. If you haven’t done it by now, do you really, truly care about it?”

After this conversation—which was about the person’s own goal, not my internal withering and disappointment—I had to figure things out and went into this downward mental spiral. What the hell was I doing? Did I even enjoy writing anymore? Why haven’t I created that article about gun control that’s been stirring in my mind so severely, or finished creating that Tumblr mashing Game of Thrones with Broad City? What was I doing instead of writing about being an Asian woman in this white-washed city of stars? Working—yes. But nothing else of value, I can tell you that.

And when you set goals for yourself that you constantly miss, you not only let yourself down, you start doubting yourself and your talents. Your self-trust dips. And in a way, you start to feel like parts of yourself are dissipating and nothing’s filling in the voids. That was how I started to feel.

So I’ve let myself down. But I’m here to pick myself up. (For the umpteenth time.) It took me awhile, but I’ve realized that writing will always be my blanket, no matter how stifled my creativity is or how tired I am at the end of the day. And now, more than ever, I’m inspired to create (more on that below!).

So much has happened since my last post. Each could be a blog post in itself:

  • I wept for Orlando, my hometown, and all of the LGBTQ community. My heart still aches from this.
  • I watched Spice World with Mel B, in person, on a rooftop in Hollywood. Just Jared captured my freakingout-ness.
  • I watched Silicon Valley’s first panel and Orphan Black’s last panel at Comic-Con. We bought drinks for Jian Yang after missing Hodor’s Comic-Con after-party rave.
  • Dany got very, very sick. I had to keep her in a special cat tent for a few weeks.
  • I produced Knock Knock’s first booth at BlogHer.
  • I got really sick. Like really, really, seriously sick. Like I’ve-never-been-this-sick-in-my-entire-life kind of sick. So much so that I was hospitalized for two weeks (also a first!).
  • America witnessed history as a woman nominee for president rose in the ranks. We watched as she who won debate after debate and continued to prove to be the better individual and candidate against a tyrannical, ignorant, misogynistic, despicable excuse for a human being. We hoped so hard.
  • Dany had her first lion’s cut ever and she looked cuter that I could even fathom.
  • I partook in another Disney 5k with my family at Disney’s Wine and Dine Half Marathon.
  • America wept again when we elected said tyrannical, ignorant, misogynistic, despicable excuse for a human being, while also completely throwing out all of our checks and balances.
  • I celebrated 4 years of significant otherdom with Ben.
  • I went to my first cat café. (Thanks, Ben!)
  • I sang songs from Moana and Hamilton nonstop for a month—I called it “Lin-Manuel Miranda Month.”
  • I watched Hamilton. I cried throughout most of the second act.
  • I spent Christmas without my family for the first time ever.
  • I was lucky enough to attend my uncle and aunt’s 50th wedding anniversary as well as one of my favorite cousins’ wedding—all in different time zones across the U.S.

Wow. No wonder I had zero focus or drive to put my thoughts down on paper.

Back to the tyrannical, ignorant, misogynistic, despicable excuse for a human being and his cronies: they have already started trying to stomp out the embers of creativity and the all the good stuff that comes with it. They have already started mutilating my freedom to OWN and make my OWN choices for my body—and speckling the gaps with their sexist, chauvinistic ways that they deem as normalcy. They have already started to destroy the roads and foundations built by generations of civil rights leaders, feminists, and political revolutionaries before me.

They won’t win if we keep on creating and using our magnificent brain power for the well-being of others, if we continue to inspire and allow ourselves to be inspired, and if we utilize our strongest assets for good. So, I’m going to keep on writing in this humble, digital abode, because I do have an opinion and I do have morals. I do care about carrying through my own projects to fruition. I do have a voice (like you!), and now is as crucial of a time as any to embrace, foster, and share it.

But this is a two-way street. I want to hear your voice, read your words, and see all the stuff that makes you tick proudly. Drop me a line, send me a text, doodle on my face, I don’t care. We just have to keep on creating and doing what we love, and not let a drop of it go to waste.

—Mel

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